Bisi Adeleye-Fayemi

By Bisi Adeleye-Fayemi

I had a conversation with a young woman in her late twenties recently, let me call her Jenny. She wanted my advice on her situation with her ‘Fiancé’. They have been together for three years, and even though he has not actually popped the question, he refers to her in public as his ‘fiancée’ and he has met her family. She has also been introduced to his people. This has given Jenny some confidence, and has helped ease worries that she does not actually have a ring on her finger. However, what has been causing her concern lately is that her fiancé’s attitude has started to change. He does not visit when he says he will and comes up with excuses. He does not return calls for hours, claiming to be busy. All these are classic avoidance games. Jenny asked me if I thought he was still serious about marrying her. I responded by asking her, ‘Given this situation, are you serious about marrying him’? She sounded surprised at this question.

A young cousin of mine got married a few years ago. The wedding took place in July. By November, it was over. I was appalled. I had been one of the ‘Mothers of the Day’. I had been consulted during the wedding preparations and my cousin had brought his fiancée to meet me after he had proposed. I found it disturbing that a wedding that I had been involved in supporting had unraveled without notice. Or so I thought. When I asked my cousin what had happened and why he had not deemed it fit to seek advice and support till things got out of control, what he said was, ‘ I had an agreement with her’. To cut a long story short, it turned out that three months before the wedding, my cousin decided that his fiancée was not the right woman for him. He tried to break off the engagement, but the lady threatened to kill herself, saying that she could not live with the shame since they had already chosen a wedding date and preparations had commenced.

After a lot of pleading, my cousin accepted her suggestion, which was to go ahead and get married anyway. After the wedding, they would then quietly go their separate ways. She and her family would be spared the embarrassment of calling the wedding off. It seems as if this was a ploy, the bride assumed that after the wedding had taken place before God and man, it would be a done deal. My cousin would be trapped into submission. She was wrong. I looked at my cousin as he was telling me his side of the story, and I thought of all kinds of sticks and brooms I wanted to bang on his head and hers for their mutual stupidity.

I told my cousin that if he had confided in his mother or me, we would have worked together to tactfully extricate him from the engagement. The pained look on my cousin’s face when I told him this indicated that he had not thought of this as an option. He allowed us to go and sing, dance and kneel before his in-laws to beg for their daughter only to throw her out four months later. They also went through mandatory counselling in church before the wedding and did not seek guidance from their spiritual counsellors. I felt awful.

Back to Jenny’s case. It sounded like her man was getting cold feet. I thought of what my cousin’s wife must have gone through, first as a beleaguered fiancée and later a short-term wife. I told Jenny to have an open and honest conversation with her fiancé about his plans and feelings for her, listen to him, and make a decision. If he told her he was still interested in marrying her, a formal proposal and engagement would be a good place to start. If she felt that she was still not happy, then she had to review her options.

An engagement is supposed to be a promise that two people make to each other – that they will get married at some point. An engagement ring, expensive or cheap, serves as physical proof of this promise. Once this promise has been made, both parties can have a reasonable degree of confidence that they are on their journey to a life of love and happiness together.

For full story, click here
http://abovewhispers.com/2016/11/09/loud-whispers-endangered-engagements/
Bisi Adeleye-Fayemi is a Gender Specialist, Social Entrepreneur and Writer. She is the Founder of Abovewhispers.com, an online community for women. She can be reached at [email protected]